Okay y’all, let me tell you about last Thursday. Total wild day. Woke up thinking ‘maybe check the Florida news’ and man, I always regret that thought.
First Thing I Did? Wake Up And Google.
Seriously, grabbed my phone still half-asleep. Typed in “February 23 Florida man news” real quick. Search bar knows me too well at this point, just throws back like a dozen headlines before I even hit enter. That little voice in my head went ‘oh no, not again.’
Clicked the first news story. Bad mistake. Started reading and almost choked on my coffee. Standard Florida Man stuff, you know? Guy in pajamas on a roof yelling about squirrels being government spies. But that was just page one.
Digging Into The Weirdness
Scrolled down and boom – “Top 5 Craziest Things This Florida Man Did Today”. Couldn’t look away. My brain was screaming ‘close it!’ but my fingers kept scrolling. Here’s what went down:
- Number Five: Apparently tried to pay his gas station taquitos with Monopoly money. Like, full on arguing with the cashier it was ‘legal tender at sea’.
- Number Four: Shouted into a traffic cone like it was a cellphone – while directing traffic. At a quiet intersection. For like 20 minutes.
- Number Three: Gotta love this one. Got tangled up trying to wrestle an inflatable pool flamingo. Swore it ‘disrespected his yard’. Photo evidence? Pure gold.
- Number Two: Allegedly tried to “borrow” a neighbor’s lawn tractor to chase the mail truck down the street. Said something about ‘undelivered justice’.
- Number One Winner! Claimed his pet iguana predicted the winning lottery numbers and stormed a convenience store demanding they validate the lizard’s psychic powers. When refused? Started singing gospel hymns to the ATM.
I mean, really? I just sat there blinking at my laptop screen for a solid minute. Had to re-read the one about the traffic cone. Who does that? Florida Man does, apparently.
My Head Just Hurts Now
Shut my laptop. Leaned back in my chair. That familiar Florida Man headache was creeping in. It’s a unique kind of bewildered exhaustion. Just thinking about the logistics – wrestling the flamingo? Borrowing the tractor? How does that even happen before breakfast?
Told the whole thing to my cat later. She didn’t seem impressed, just kept licking her paw. Guess she’s used to this Florida nonsense by now too. Me? Still shook. I love this weird state, I really do. But it tests my sanity sometimes.