When I first figured out things out about myself, I kinda freaked out inside. Felt like climbing Everest blindfolded, honestly. Had no clue where to even begin. But hey, everyone starts somewhere, right? Just gotta take that first shaky step.
Step 1: Got Honest With Myself (Massive Headache)
Sitting alone in my crappy apartment, staring at the ceiling. Kept telling myself “Nah, can’t be.” Fought it for weeks, months even. Was exhausting. Finally one night, just whispered it out loud: “Okay. This is me.” Felt terrifying, but also… lighter? Like dropping a backpack full of rocks I didn’t realize I was carrying.
Step 2: Started Lurking Like a Pro
Didn’t tell a soul yet. Hopped online like a ninja. Searched “gay newbie stuff” – trust me, the results are WILD. Sorted through mountains of nonsense. Found a few legit forums where guys actually talked normal. Just read. For weeks. Saw other people asking the same dumb questions I had. Felt less like an alien.
Step 3: The Dreaded STI Research
Saw enough horror stories online to scare me straight (ironic, huh?). Knew I needed to get smart on safety. Spent an entire Sunday deep-diving:
- How HIV PrEP actually works (spoiler: not magic, gotta take it!).
- The difference between gonorrhea and chlamydia (both suck, BTW).
- Where the hell free testing happens near me (Google Maps saved my ass).
Felt like studying for the worst biology exam ever.
Step 4: My First Ever Clinic Visit
Walked into that clinic feeling like everyone was staring. Sweaty palms, racing heart – like going on stage naked. Nurse was chill though. Asked point blank: “First time testing? What kinds of sex are you planning to have?” Almost choked. Stuttered something about maybe someday. Got poked, filled vials. Got the all-clear later. Huge weight off. Felt… adult.
Step 5: Downloading THE App (And Panicking)
Everyone said “get on the apps!” Felt like jumping into shark-infested waters. Downloaded one. Made a profile pic just my shoulder. Bio: “New. Figure stuff out. Be cool?” Immediate avalanche of dick pics and “hey.” Freaked out, deleted the app twice in one hour. Third time, took a breath. Talked to a couple guys who actually seemed decent. Didn’t meet anyone yet, just… chatted. Felt like learning a new language.
Step 6: Actually Meeting Someone IRL (Mini Heart Attack)
Finally agreed to coffee with this one guy from the app who didn’t send unsolicited junk. Met at a busy chain place – safety first. Clumsy small talk, spilled some coffee (classic me). Talked about boring stuff: jobs, stupid TV shows. Zero sparks flying, but guess what? We didn’t die! Felt good. Proved I could do this human interaction thing.
Step 7: The “Are You Into This?” Conversation
Met another guy. Actually felt a vibe over drinks. Things started getting touchy later. Before anything went further, my brain screamed “STOP!” Took a breath. Said something like “Hey, just so you know… I’m figuring stuff out. What are you cool with? What do you like?” Awkward? Hell yes. Necessary? Abso-fucking-lutely. He was cool about it. Set the rules together. Felt powerful.
Step 8: The First Time Stuff Happened
Was with the guy from Step 7 a few times. Felt comfortable. Had condoms ready (Thanks, Step 3!). One night hanging out, watching a truly awful movie, it just… flowed. Slow, kinda nervous, way less dramatic than porn makes it look. Focused on actually being present, not in my head. Afterwards, lying there – no fireworks, but a warm “well, that happened” feeling. Massive sense of relief. Didn’t explode.
Step 9: Processing the Weirdness
Next few days felt weird. Not guilt, just… processing. Like tasting a new food – unfamiliar, needed time to digest. Talked to my new pal from the app (not the guy I hooked up with). Laughed about the awkward bits. Realized there’s no “right” way it has to feel. Felt okay to just feel whatever I felt.
Step 10: Realizing It’s a Start, Not the End
That first hookup didn’t turn me into a pro. Still had a million questions. Still felt awkward sometimes. But the sheer terror was gone. I’d climbed the first hill. Knew way more about:
- My own comfort zones
- Where to get tested (and actually went!)
- How to ask basic questions without dying of shame
- That it’s a journey, not a destination
Felt shaky, hopeful, and finally ready to keep figuring this out one clumsy step at a time. Didn’t need to have it all sorted. Just needed to start.