How I Tried Shawn Kemp’s Weight Loss Tricks
Okay so I saw Fat Shawn Kemp’s transformation pics online last month. Dude went from looking like a deflated basketball to ripped grandpa status. Figured if an ex-NBA guy can drop weight chugging protein shakes, maybe my dad bod stands a chance too.
First thing Monday morning I chucked all junk food from my pantry. Seriously just grabbed trash bags and went ape mode on snacks. Doritos? Gone. Frozen pizzas? Trashed. That half-eaten tub of ice cream? Down the sink. My kids cried when they saw empty shelves.
What Actually Worked For Me
- Water became my religion – chugged two liters before breakfast everyday. Pee breaks became my cardio
- Meal prepped like crazy – every Sunday cooked boring chicken breasts until my kitchen smelled like a gym locker
- No secret sauce – literally just walked 10k steps daily. Used my dog as excuse to roam the neighborhood
- Cheat days were strategic – instead of inhaling whole cake, I’d eat one donut then run extra mile feeling guilty
The hunger pains almost murdered me first two weeks. Woke up at 3am craving peanut butter so bad I almost licked my kid’s sandwich crusts from the trash. Seriously contemplated chewing gum as dinner substitute once.
My wife thought I caught some disease when I refused her homemade mac n cheese. Told her “Babe Shawn Kemp wouldn’t eat this” which almost got me divorced. Weighed myself daily like obsessed maniac – sometimes three times before breakfast.
Weird Shit Nobody Tells You
Turns out eating clean makes you fart like defective trumpet. First week my protein shake diet turned my guts into chemical warfare zone. Also discovered willpower disappears when donut shops have “buy 12 get 1 free” deals at 2pm.
Nearly quit when scale didn’t budge for five days straight last month. Almost cried into my celery sticks thinking my body betrayed me. Then suddenly next morning – boom! Two pounds gone overnight like magic trick. Bodies are trolls, I swear.
Three months later? Down 18 pounds and actually fit into my “emergency jeans” from college. Still got ways to go before Shawn Kemp level but now my kids call me “less squishy daddy”. Might actually keep doing this thing.