What Really Happened When I Tried Naming Horses
So last Thursday I grabbed my coffee and actually tried naming fantasy mares for my story. Sat down with a beat-up notebook thinking this would take five minutes. Big mistake.
First I shoved aside dirty dishes on my kitchen table and scribbled some obvious names like “Storm Runner” and “Silver Mane”. Felt kinda lame after two minutes. Like naming goldfish.
Then I went full nerd mode:
- Step 1: Pulled up a horse anatomy diagram on my phone. Stared at leg names like “pastern” and “fetlock”. Made zero sense for naming
- Step 2: Dug through mythology sites until my eyes crossed. Greek names sounded like prescription medicines – “Artemisanthia”??
- Step 3: Started flipping through old cookbooks for food names. “Cinnamon Spice” sounded okay until my friend said it sounded like a stripper
Total fail by lunchtime. Only decent name was “Whisper Foot”, and my writing group roasted it saying it sounded like a fungal cream.
Where It All Went Wrong
This naming disaster actually reminded me of losing that PetSmart gig back in 2020. Store manager asked me to rename their demo horse mascot. Suggested “Thunder Hooves” – got told it was “too aggressive for hamster buyers”.
Came back next week with “Sparkle Glide”. Manager deadass said it “tested poorly with focus groups”. For a fake horse. In a pet store.
They fired me the next day claiming budget cuts. Saw my replacement on Instagram later – dude renamed the stupid thing “Stardust”. Literally what I’d written on my draft paper before crossing it out.
Point is, naming things makes people insane. Whether it’s imaginary mares or polyester mascots. Everyone acts like they’re naming royal babies.
Ended up rage-quitting my story names yesterday. Called the mares “Horse A” and “Horse B”. My writing buddy messaged “finally some honest naming”.
Moral of the story? All those “easy naming guides” are written by people who’ve never actually named anything. Real naming involves scratched paper, spilled coffee, and maybe some petty revenge fantasies about pet stores.